Surface pressure, not just a fab song from Encanto

Audrey Tang | Wednesday 9th March 2022 8:18pm

One of the things I do on my show (The Wellbeing Lounge, Tuesdays 9pm) is to raise awareness of issues which specifically, and differently relate to men and to women - or at least how those issues may be being addressed, and as it was International Women's Day - and I talked about periods and period poverty with two amazing guests - listen again HERE, so I thought I'd talk about the "shoulds" that many women may experience.

We women often feel guilt because of a tendency to live our life according to a series of “shoulds” – although if you ask anyone, they are likely not to be able to tell you where their “rules” came from.  Who said that “women should be caring and nurturing?”; who said that “men shouldn't  cry?”  Who said that we should/shouldn't be a certain weight/size/shape etc. 

A lot of our beliefs are imposed unconsciously through the stories we watch in the media, in our culture, in our families and in our overall experience, and sometimes, especially when we have so much going on we don't have time to stop and think – we don't always appreciate that some of our beliefs about what we “should/shouldn't” do, are not necessarily healthy.

Evolutionary-wise, we all (butwomen in particular because of their historical role within most societies) are also fundamentally social creatures – in the past we will have had to rely on our society to keep us safe – so we are likely to have an awareness of how to “fit in” – and a sense of unpleasantness when we do not. Women were generally the carers, the supporters, the social ones – and many women do have those instincts.  However, with the changing role of women, for those “acting” – their lives have moved forward – for some watching, this may seem very strange. 

 If we are at odds with others – it is common to feel guilt.  (This can be over trivial things – it is not the gravity of the thing itself, it can simply be that someone didn't approve of us doing it.)  Psychologist William Schultz also stated that inclusion was a fundamental human need - as essential to us as food and water for survival.  ...with women more acutely aware of society, we may feel a greater need to fit in.

Unfortunately it is a common behaviour, to rather than to show acceptance of difference, try to negate that of the other – it is the act of “normative idealisation” – what I do is normal, what you do is odd (it makes our own ego feel better); or we might alternatively just be picking on others to avoid thinking about our own problems – and something which makes them “different” is an easy target…and sometimes it means by bringing someone down (rather than working to raise ourselves up), we feel better about ourselves – and don't need to admit we need to do something about our own insecurities.

Physical manifestation of pressure

Feelings of GUILT.   This falls within the negative states such as sadness, anger, grief and is often associated with shame.  According to the psychodynamic approach to psychology, humans have  tendency to avoid things that cause pain – and emotional pain is one of them…and so we try to ignore, or forget it rather than deal with it – because of the fear it will get worse.

The methods we use to try and avoid dealing with it, or to forget those feelings can also be very unhelpful – eg self-soothing through drink/drugs/eating to excess, avoidance of the person or thing that causes you to feel the twinge of guilt can have repercussions not only for our own health – but for those around us eg our families and children who may be affected by our behaviour choices.

Guilt can also “literally” weigh us down (and not just literally through comfort eating) – negative feelings can result in us not wanting to look after our personal care (perhaps feeling we do not deserve it) – we may walk “smaller” – wearing black and trying to hide can also be how feelings of guilt may present – unconsciously it is as if we are trying to push ourselves away.  This can also affect our posture – we may start slumping; and it can also affect our sleep and eating patterns which in turn can cause us further distress because of the physical repercussions (A lack of sleep can elevate the stress hormone cortisol, as well as the production of ghrelin – making us crave food; a high level of cortisol is in itself damaging on the body as it is likely to be accompanied by other anxiety symptoms – high heart rate/blood pressure, sweating (causing you to feel uncomfortable) – and if this pressure continues for too long it can lead to stomach ulcers or heart attacks)…and other repercussions of lack of sleep and a poor diet can include irritability, inability to concentrate – which can affect our work and relationships.) 

We don't have to make a show of what we are DOING – we can just BE. Some tips:

Never give more (of anything) than you can afford to lose

While "selflessness" may be praised - you need to remember to "affix your own mask first".  If you are a caregiver, giving is natural to you, but you must always remember that if you are in such a role, what will happen if you have given so much of yourself you no longer have strength.  This is not to say "be selfish" - but always remember your own value and do not compromise it.

We don't have to feel bad about not looking after grandchildren/plants/pets: This is similar to “saying no” (above)  – encourage your children to make arrangements for themselves.  Unless you specifically encouraged your children to have children, you do not owe them babysitting time.  Similar to the “no” statements try the following empowering behaviours:

• Give them your availability
• Support them with finding help
• Have a conversation about why they may be requiring so much support – they firstly may not realise they were “burdening” you, but also there may be trickier roots to the situation which they could need support untangling.

We don't have to prove our friendship quite so much!!

In any case - being amenable is a two way process - not a means of keeping someone/something 

Don't build any relationships on gifts (time and energy is a gift) where one person is always giving - perhaps because they want the relationship more than the other, it is not going to last.  The giver will begin to feel resentful, and the receiver never really committed.

The following affirmation may help “My time and energy are valuable and I spend them wisely.”

It is also worth being aware that it's ok to have different “types” of friendships.  Aristotle called them “friends of utility” eg. quid pro quo friendships; “Friends of pleasure” eg. friendships with those whom you share an interest; and “Friends of the good” – long term friendships.  It would be appropriate it feel guilty over not checking in with a close friend, but perhaps less so over a work colleague.  Similarly you might feel terrible over missing your best friend's birthday, but the same level of guilt over missing the birthday of “someone you met at your child's pre-school” – would seem excessive.  When you feel guilt – try to reflect on whether it is appropriate in the wider scheme of things.

We don't need to care all the time – ask yourself who, really, is telling you that you “should”?  (Often it's rules we have made up, OR the opinion of someone from whom we wouldn't ask advice!)

• It is ok to need some respite time – and it is ok to ask for it…if you cannot ask friends or family, see if there are support groups in your local community.

AND TO ALL WOMEN - and female allies!

Wonder Woman was created by psychologist William Moulton Marston who felt stories were lacking "A strong woman who would do whatever she set her mind to do." Marston, also credited with inventing the lie detector said "Not even girls want to be girls as long as our feminine archetype lacks force, strength and power."  And Wonder Woman spun into existence.

…and she used compassion.

Diana Prince - Wonder Woman said "No matter how small an act of kindness or generosity or simple positivity you put out in the world, it will make a difference."   Because we may worry about seeming weak, we try to embolden our assertiveness, but strangely enough it is the men who are embracing their compassionate sides that are being seen as stronger leaders, while women may come across as aggressive.  It's OK to be kind.

Everything we do – while it may not seem like much – remembering a birthday, gifting a smile, a comforting hand on the shoulder, can change someone's day. We don't need to prove anything – and also it must be noted we don't owe anyone anything (nor do they owe us) in lockdown – we are all trying to get by.  SO be YOU - By standing true to your beliefs, but insisting on values such as integrity and loyalty we are role modelling what we want our audiences, our students and our children to see - and to expect and demand of themselves and others.  In being equal we are creating equality.

Equality is not just about having an awareness day, but Equality is when it is, the regular, habitual, NATURAL self belief of every person to know you are important just by being who you are.

Maybe it's time to reclaim the concept of the glass ceiling - it's glass - it can be broken.  But with that we must believe we can stand strong through the fragments of that glass. Equality is about recognising your value as individuals - value which is unique, special, and deserves to be there.

Dr Audrey Tang presents The Wellbeing Lounge on Tuesdays at 9pm

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